And just like that-- summer is over!

The plan to get the Jedis out the door with Dr. O is going very smoothly! He gets up at 6, putters around and gets ready, has a little coffee with me, and gets the Jedis up at 7. Little M wakes up on her own around then. We get the boys dressed and out the door around 7:25, and then it's just M and momma for the day, at least until sister-baby arrives in about 10 weeks.

After such a struggle with the Jedis last year, I'm a little shocked at how much easier this arrangement is, but it took a lot of work and thought over the summer. We have the house in better order overall and are working to settle a few more areas. Our night-time routine is to give IM some melatonin after dinner, play and watch some shows together, do a quick clean-up and prep clothes and backpacks, and then we send kids to bed at 8. They can play or read until 9 when the room lights go out. IM has earned a reading light to use until 9:30 so that he will be quiet and let A-man sleep, but he's been falling asleep pretty soon thereafter. It's a miraculous difference! I'm waiting out this week of school to phase in zinc and omega oil supplements. Just getting to sleep sooner has made such a big difference for both boys, and only treating one with supplements has done the trick! 9 or 9:30pm to 7am seems to be the right sleep amount for their age, and they're finally getting it without us having to sit and make sure it happens.

Dr. O' and I are getting to bed sooner too, and I'm able to wake up better. Yesterday I woke up and helped the guys get out the door. I figured out a few small projects to knock out and talked to my best friend. M and I went to La Leche so she could play with her friend, and then we opted to stop for lunch at Tim Hortons (chicken salad!) on the way home. I should've put M down for a nap, but we're having trouble timing it. I kept laundry running and puttered around trying to prioritize projects without much success. At 3 it was time to pick up our Jedis from the bus stop. They were really happy with their first day and happy to come home to some Rice Krispie Treats. For the afternoon, they played with toys, told me about school, watched some shows, and cheerfully agreed to put away laundry between Netflix selections. It was smooth and nice. I made some simple chicken, home fries, and corn on the cob for dinner and got heartburn anyway. Oh well.

This brings us full circle-ish to this morning. I was able to sleep very well last night, woke up feeling great despite toddler girl's fussy morning (teething). The guys left with no trouble and in plenty of time. Dr. O' has faculty in-service this week and will be busy trying to cram in any remaining preparations for the semester.

I want to make the most of this time alone with my M. Sharing momma with the baby will be a big adjustment. She gets very bored being the only kid at home, and I can't sit and play all day. I need to figure out a few things we can play or do together and some things she can do alone with momma nearby. Making the dining room into a play area is a big step in that direction. She will play solo if I'm nearby but won't play in her room upstairs alone. This morning she watched a bit of Caillou, and then she played with play-doh at the table while I made bread and yogurt. Then she cleaned it up willingly and ran off to play trains in the dining room. She asked me to color with her, so we got a big sheet of paper and cut hearts out and colored them, which she thought was great. I'm going to try to get her down for a nap today since she's been whining quite a bit today. I'm conflicted about trying to keep naps in her schedule, but she does seem to need them from time to time.

This leaves me trying to be as productive as I can reasonably be and trying to structure my time so that I can slack off or do fun stuff when opportunities arise. Self-Discipline is what I've always struggled with, and I know I'm bound to work hard several hours a day, whether I choose to or circumstances dictate. The key is to do it in an organized and effective enough manner that I can see the rewards of my efforts and not feel guilty when I'm not as prepared as I feel I should be. The guilt is so pointless. I have a lot on my plate with high-need kids, a moms group that I do a lot with, adding Children's Chapel back in on Sundays, and having a baby here shortly. I like being busy, and I like it to be on my terms :)

Getting out of an ugly rut

I had a few dark and moody days this week, with pregnancy hormones, fractious and LOUD kids, and a lack of motivation to get my home in order, leading to more trouble on all fronts. I was not kind to my kids, and I felt like such a failure at one of the things that I've put the most effort into and have identified myself by. If I can't be a loving momma, what the heck am I doing?

I've had some prayer and some reading time. I'm coping much better the last few days. I've been making progress on organizing the house in ways that have gone unfinished since the move, and I'm feeling calmer. I have been using our jobs chart extensively, to the point of insisting that the kids and I do every job on the chart before they got any screen time. It has been working-- a routine with work for the kids always works for us! They cause less trouble and are more compliant when they are doing more to keep our house running smoothly. The trouble is being the one who has to initiate it and get through the initial whining and protest. But it's always a solution that works for us. I'm calmer in cleaner surroundings, and they are too. Have to file this reminder to myself for later crises!

Definitely feeling the pregnancy weighing down my mid-section these days! I struggle a bit to get up off the couch or floor. The baby is very active, and the kids can't wait to meet her! The emotional stress of this past week and the coming of little sister are making me feel much better about the boys returning to school.

We had the most quiet night in a long time last night. M has been waking due to tummy problems requiring emergency diaper changes in the middle of the night, but she's much better now. We put IM on a dose of melatonin, and he fell asleep by 9:15, and he's often up until 11 because he can't fall asleep. He's doing a lot better with attitude and impulsivity today, which is what we needed. We're going to experiment with the dose and try a few other supplements to help him with anxiety and impulsivity, issues that I think caused him to score in a low working memory range last year, test results that I seriously doubt now. A-man is doing great in general, with the occasional whining jag. I never thought he and I would have such a peaceful summer!

We've had some rough days recently, but I'm hopeful that we're going to end this summer break on a good note!

M-girl Milestones!

My goals for M-girl following Christmas were the following: Weaning (she had a minor chip on a tooth that was unpleasant, and her second birthday was approaching), saying "goodbye" to "chupis" (her pacifiers), no more bottles (a later habit from when she needed a big load of milk to get a night's sleep, but which turned out to cause a lot of stomach problems), and perhaps an introduction to the potty. She weaned at exactly 22 months with no trouble at all, and I was expecting Newbie very soon after. She gave up the bottle of milk or milk substitutes this summer, and
"chupi" has ceased to exist to her. Such a relief! Unfortunately, all this maturing has led to very little napping, but I hope to re-establish that in the fall, even if for an hour a day!

Around the time she weaned, she begged for a pink frog potty at the store, and I bought it. It sat in the bathroom mostly collecting dust or being used to climb up to things, although she would use it appropriately on occasion. Then this summer she began to take off her diaper and refuse to put another one on. I hadn't wanted to do this now! I wanted to wait until school started, but I couldn't let her pee on the floor either! So I got books and videos from the library and from Amazon, ones that had worked for the boys, and ones we'd never seen before. I set up a little DVD player in the kitchen and let her sit on the potty and watch the Elmo and Potty Power DVDs as much as she wanted. For a few weeks, she peed on the floor a lot. Then she went back to diapers. Then two weeks ago, it all clicked! She mastered pee one week and poo the next! It was amazing! She has internalized the message of these irritating videos so thoroughly that she quotes them as she's doing the various steps in good potty use and related hygiene.

A little musing I've done on the subject of potty training and advice: There are people who give potty advice because their kid potty trained themselves, and these people don't know how hard it can be with a resistant or too-busy child. Plenty of other generous and gracious souls (Danielle Haley, for example) know better and fully acknowledge that their kid potty trained themselves and have no obtrusive advice to offer. There are also people who can follow every step and read every book and still fight an uphill battle for months or even years to establish potty training/learning with their children. I know I'm in the third group, and I hope I'm in the second. I know better than to be in the first. It's not about knowledge or method. It's about the kid. Tell me that I should've used Elimination Communication with all my kids, and I'll get stabby ;).

Teensy Begrudging BumGenius Review

So I like Fuzzibunz diapers quite a bit. I bought the one BumGenius on a whim and thought it was okay. It would probably be better with Velcro, but I'm not a Velcro diaper fan. Fuzzibunz has snaps and adjustable elastic for a good fit, but the BumGenius has no such adjustability, just hit-or-miss snaps. It's not my favorite diaper.

That said, I bought another one yesterday. Why? Because I was thinking about how huge the pocket is for stuffing, and I thought it might work for bedtime. I put the BG 4.0 snap (Buttercream) that I bought months ago for $11 on M with both inserts and a FB newborn insert, with the snaps on the largest rise. Then I dressed her in a onesie and jammy pants and put her down for 12 hours. She had only minor wicking onto the onesie, but the pants and bed were dry. I'll admit I smelled the diaper and only got the faintest whiff of ammonia, which is important because I gave up nighttime cloth over ammonia issues in the first place. Her skin looked fine. I cancelled the next Subscribe & Save for a huge box of diapers and got another BG 4.0 snap in Zinnia for $17.95 with no shipping charges. I paid $28.95 total for the 2 BGs together thanks to some reward points I had at a cloth diaper store. The box of LUVs that were scheduled to ship would've cost me $27. The new diaper will be here soon, and I'm excited to cut another regular expense, even if we only buy disposables every 3-6 months. Maybe now we'll be done with them for M unless we travel before she potty trains. Nothing will change in the wash routine, which is cheap and occurs every other day regardless of how many diapers I throw in. 2 more nighttime diapers won't make any difference! You got me Cottonbabies. I like your diaper, but don't tell anyone!

Update: the zinnia Bumgenius 4.0 snap arrived and we've used cloth for 3 nights successfully! We have 2 so that we can have enough to wash them every other day and have a fresh one on hand each night. I'm thinking we'll need one more for a rotation for her, but she's also giving potty training another try, so I may not have a full load of diapers every other day until October. Either way, I'm happy to be minimizing our use of disposables!

Memorial Day Weekend and Back Home for a New Routine

I edited my previous post to say that we'd be heading to PA last weekend. We decided on Saturday morning but didn't leave until Sunday morning. We arrived in Bethlehem in the mid afternoon, and the kids enjoyed the company of their O'Hare cousins. We went to a nice local park and later to an excellent ice cream shoppe for a treat. The boys all played detectives for hours. The next day the cousins had to head back because of school, so we spent most of Monday playing outdoors at my in-laws. We are usually there with a crowd, and it was nice to have the smaller gathering and for the kids to get more individual time.

We arrived back in Wheeling in the mid-afternoon on Tuesday and puttered around. Wednesday morning was the first full day with all the kids home all day, and now that we're on day 3, we're getting the hang of the new schedule. The Jedis are less happy about things like daily school time and an hour of quiet play in separate rooms, but I need the rest, and I know it's good for them too. This way M gets enough quiet to fall asleep, and the best thing is that she's tired from playing wih them all morning, and I don't have to wake her to get the boys home every day.

The surprising thing is how much more efficient I am so far this summer! I'm on a bit more of a high alert for sure, so I keep on top of the messes. Also, we do 3 clean-ups a day, upstairs, downstairs, and whatever is in the chore jar. It works great! I think I must be bored when the Jedis aren't home. I feel like I mope around and have no energy. I'm giving school one more year, and then we'll make a decision. I need to get #4 settled before I try to start homeschooling. What I like is how much more quickly I can spot attitude and defiance issues and correct the behavior, and I don't do that when they're tired from being in school all day. I tend to let it build up until I can't take their increasingly stinky behavior, and I come down on them like a load of bricks. Not like that in the summer. Got an attitude, go pick a job from the jar, kid. We'll work on it together and talk about better choices next time.

The other preserver of my sanity is this meal rotation! We know what we have to keep on hand for our meals, and the list has only slight variations from week to week. We have a lunch menu for the kids, and Dr. O' and I usually eat leftovers. It's working!! Tonight is pizza night, and one of Dan's colleagues will be here with us for dinner. Dessert is chocolate waffles with mint chip ice cream!

I'll post our schedule and jobs and menu soon. M-girl is awake. I also need to start pizza dough for dinner!

Attachment parenting post for someone who would be good at it!

One of my most thoughtful and conscientious former students asked me what makes my parenting style unusual.  We stumbled backward into what is known as attachment parenting, which is becoming less hippie and more hip, even though it is still counter-cultural in many parts of the US.  Where we live in a blue-collar industrial region makes us even more unusual.   We live this way because it is less about stuff and more about time and connection with the family.  I've gone whole pregnancies without so much as a trip to Babies R Us or Motherhood Maternity, despite the way that magazines portray the bearing of children without these stores as near barbarism ;).

The most distilled explanation of our parenting philosophy is at this link. It's just brilliant and concise.  The best point is that AP is not a rigid set of rules to follow or you'll screw up your kid.  Instead, it is a starting place that each family can customize according to the needs of parents and children.  I've seen people dive into every fringe aspect of AP/natural parenting wholeheartedly, only to burn out later.  

I think it's best to start out with the 7 baby b's and add other holistic parenting elements as parents feel comfortable.  Example:  as much as they're good things on their own, it's probably not practical to simultaneously do ecological breastfeeding, elimination communication, co-sleeping with a whole family, all homemade meals from one's organic garden, line-drying all clothing, homeschooling for each child in the family and to expect to have a larger family.  There has to be time that a mother does not have to live on high alert and have a child perpetually on her body, and she needs to maintain a loving relationship with her husband if they are to remain an effective team.  I've seen mothers get very depressed or more than a little crazy trying to be Supermom, and that leads to a lot of unhealthy isolation.  There's a lot of fear at the margins, both for attachment/natural parents and for their more mainstream fellow parents. These fears lead to irrational and unbalanced parenting, rather than a relaxed enjoyment of the blessings of home and family.

Here's how we got to be Attachment Parents---

Having been raised in a pretty authoritarian church environment, my husband and I had gotten the impression that babies were manipulative and sinful creatures, and parents needed to show them who was in charge.  

However, every authoritarian/Babywise-type method we tried (briefly) felt like a betrayal of our little baby.  We were naturally attachment parents without knowing it.  When we moved to Notre Dame, we were suddenly in a Mecca for natural and attachment parenting.  I spent time with moms who seemed comfortable in their own skin and avoided those who were critical or who knew how everyone else should raise their kids.  We had another baby 18 months after the first, and our attachment parenting instincts were cemented, particularly after a very positive birth experience and an easier time nursing.  

As the older two grew, I became more concerned about their diet and ours.  Our scant food budget plus our health drove me toward bulk shopping and cooking from scratch. I learned about the health issues caused by many common food additives, and I resolved to do what I could to eliminate them.  We also had some food allergies that made careful label reading essential.  

By the time our daughter came, we were managing some behavior issues with our sons by diet, but we had a lot of work to do.  I was blessed with an easy birth and great nursing with her.  She was the only one so far who never slept in our bed or even in our room, which was a surprising adjustment for us.  We added cloth diapering with her, which necessitated using biodegradable detergents and the elimination of fabric softener and dryer sheets.  We began researching natural cleaning in an effort to get more toxins out of our home.  

We continued to puzzle through the behavioral issues of our boys, which changed as they developed and grew, eventually figuring out that they do struggle with attention and impulsivity issues a bit more than is typical for little boys.  Because we have tried to parent peacefully, we've kept communication open with them and are able to help them manage their behavioral concerns with diet and behavioral modification.  

Now that we're welcoming #4, adding one more seems like no big deal.  We probably won't try for any more, but we do feel that we have a responsibility to respect life and to honor God's sovereignty.  

Most of our conclusions for our family are a reaction to the consumerist / medical / easy-fix ideas that are part of modern mainstream parenting culture, much of which is based on either an appeal to fear or to laziness.  We refuse to be corporate sheep because we've seen corporations not take human health and safety seriously.

Disposable diapers contain toxins, formula can be tainted and can cause long-term health problems, baby containment systems (playpens) stunt emotional and intellectual growth, food additives exacerbate behavioral issues and cause immunity problems, chemical birth control harms our bodies and our shared water systems, and materialism teaches our children the wrong values.  We have found that the most natural methods of living are the ones that work best for our family.

Although we can now afford to do more and spend more money, we generally choose not to.  We don't want to be trapped by our possessions or to shuttle our children from place to place out of fear that they won't have as fun a childhood as their peers. We do what we can, take their input seriously, and make the most of our time together.

Open-ended structure today

The Jedis have yet another day off today. I kick myself occasionally for not traveling to see family on Easter weekend, but we really want to be with our own church community for Triduum services. Yesterday was nutty with the kids, but I was so glad to celebrate with our congregation and to eat a festive meal in our own home. The kids get stir-crazy after this many days home, so I'm weighing the possibilities for today.

I have a La Leche meeting today, but I don't know how well the Jedis will do in a room full of littles. They definitely need to clean their room today because it is littered with Easter candy wrappers and LEGOs and is due for a vacuuming. Mara's room is trashed as well because of her naptime ransacking.

Dr. O' has to grade 20+ papers, so he's going to take advantage of a quiet campus today. He is also planning coursework for 2 classes that he's teaching this summer. I'm so thankful for his help at home and his hard work to support us! We are trying to get the money to pay for a van without taking out a loan, or only take a loan for a few months. We'll definitely have to trade in our beloved Honda CR-V, but it will be great to have a vehicle with lots of room.

I woke up every 2 hours last night and was awake for the day at 5am. I've been in bed sipping coffee, nibbling baklava, listening to This American Life, and feeling the newbie moving around in my belly, a quartet of peaceful pleasures! I think watching a movie will be on the schedule so M and I get a nap.

Feeling more like myself

This transition to a new city has been a struggle, and the trials of first-time home-ownership, particularly of a century-old home, have kept me in a pretty constant state of anxiety, especially after I had a burn, a cracked kneecap, and a sprained ankle all on my right side this winter. I'm feeling like my home and my life are getting more settled, and the kids' routine is much more regular. Dr.O's semester is over in about a month, and the Jedis are off for the summer in 2 months. In the meantime, we have spring weather to look forward to, at least some day!

With my decreased time spent online, I've been getting more rest AND getting more done in my home. This week I've made 6 loaves of whole wheat honey bread, and Dr. O. has made two loaves of caraway rye. I've been making dinners that accommodate Dr. O's lenten meat fast and trying some new recipes. It's Friday, and I'm on the last load of laundry, and the rest is already put away. My sweet husband vacuumed the whole house last night and ran the dishwasher twice. Tonight's dinner is our traditional whole wheat pizza , which I haven't been making for the last few weeks.

I list these things because they are signs of good mental health for me. When my laundry is running smoothly, and I'm grinding 32 cups of wheat to make bread, pizza, and muffins, and I'm excited to be making yogurt, and my counters are clean, and my feet don't have crumbs on them, I'm doing well! I had to throw out my previous yogurt-making gear because a mason jar full of yogurt had a hairline crack and burst while making yogurt, soaking the soft cooler. I'd had my doubts about the safety of our heating pad as well when it accidentally ran for 3 days under a pillow when Ian was ill. It had scorch marks on it, and I didn't feel good about using it for yogurt making anymore. I got a new one from Amazon this morning, so yogurt-making is back in full swing. I had a hard time finding one that did not have an auto-shutoff feature, which I'm sure is important, but I want to make yogurt! The one I got cycles gently up and down to avoid overheating, so I think it'll work and possibly save electricity.

I did yell at M-girl yesterday because she was dumping bins of toys immediately after I had picked them up, which I was doing so that my husband could vacuum. She and I made peace just fine, and it motivated me to be more patient and take the time to talk through tough moments with each of my children. It's easy to yell and leave physical and emotional distance between me and my children, but that makes it easier for them to only obey when I'm in sight and yelling. It takes touch and a calm and patient tone to change their hearts and make it easier for them to do the right thing the next time. It's the day-to-day training that really does make a difference in my kids' overall behavior, but it's also where my energy gets sapped. I am feeling hopeful after a morning of peaceful conflict resolution, plus M's nap is in 20 minutes!

Tamiflu! My kingdom for some Tamiflu! (and maybe a beer?)

So we have been slammed with the flu. The kids were all a little snot-nosed and tired yesterday, but that's not unusual, especially since we had just traveled the previous 2 days and hadn't gotten enough sleep.

Despite my gargantuan efforts in November to get 3 kids to the pediatrician's for flu shots with 2nd degree burns on my leg while Dr. O' was in Atlanta, I-M has the flu. My apologies to anyone who has seen my kids this week. Really sincere and heartfelt I'M SO SORRY. A-man and M-girl have been prescribed preventive doses of Tamiflu, and I-M is on it to shorten the course of the illness. I-M is getting 90-95% of the oxygen that he should, so he's also on neb. albuterol and orapred susp. Oh, and LOTS of ibuprofen! No hospitalization is good, so all we can do is try to prevent that again. Poor guy is close to his deductible, but I don't want to meet it that way. He's been sitting and/or sleeping in the same position all day, and his fever has been 103. He's had one can of ginger ale and 1/2 piece of toast. His entire body hurts to the touch.

Unfortunately, flu season is supposed to be mostly over, so most of the pharmacies don't have Tamiflu, either because they ran out or they sent it back to the manufacturer because it was near expiration. Four pharmacies that I went to or that Dr.O' called did not have oral Tamiflu suspension for kids. Thankfully, CVS can compound the suspension from the pills, and they are my new heroes. They also have good deals on Yuengling according to their sign, but we're actually well stocked ;). I'll stick with my ginger ale, anyway.

We need some prayers! We had a trip planned to Indiana that is now at least partially postponed so that we don't bring a round of plague-ishness to the Village. We should be well enough to see B-grands this weekend as long as the Tamiflu kicks in and I-M is fever-free long enough.

Dynamic parenting

I am the momma of kids who like routine. I like routine, too! The challenge is setting up routines and rules that fit with our family's priorities and are appropriate for the children's development. What I love is that as the parent, I can change the routine when it's not working. I don't have to do what any other family is doing or what any book suggests, but I can if I want to! There's tremendous freedom in being in touch with what my family needs and in adapting my parenting to suit our current phase.

The Jedis have a habit of staying up in their room and reading or playing until they finally conk out. It's awful, but we've had trouble figuring out what else to do without resorting to harsh punishment. The best solution is to stay in their room until they fall asleep, which cuts into our couple time. However, it makes a tremendous difference to A-man to have momma cuddle him in bed at night. I-M is the major culprit in the late-night partying, and A-man would gladly fall asleep sooner, I think. We've known this was the best solution, but it takes discipline to go up and do this every night. Now I'm falling asleep beside my A-man and getting up around 9:30 or 10 and moving to my bed. I take my iPod so that I have something to listen to while the boys settle down, and I really enjoy that time with them! I need to work some Bible stories into that routine as well.

The major benefit of this enforced bedtime is that the boys wake on their own around 6:45. I help them dress, and they quickly eat breakfast. Previously, we had to wake them and dress them while they woke up, and they gave us a hard time about choosing what breakfast to eat, and they dawdled through breakfast time.

Their reward for going to sleep earlier and for getting up cheerfully on school days is that they have about 30 minutes to play in their rooms. Any time they spend fussing comes out of their playtime instead of my time getting them out the door. I give them warnings as it gets closer to time to leave, and they can lose the next day's playtime if they are not obedient when it's time to go.

I like that my children can see that if a routine or rule isn't working, we can work together to change it. I love that they are learning about responsibility for their own morning routine. I especially love that the chaos can be tamed with a few little changes!

Oh, so you're THAT mom!

What the heck is that supposed to mean?  I have gotten it a lot.  I'm well aware that I get categorized as a certain kind of mother. Being my make-it-from-scratch self, I've offered neighbor kids popsicles made from yogurt that I cultured and made into a smoothie.  What? They were GOOD popsicles!  I've gotten it for my advocation of extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and natural birthing.  I just love to learn about things that make a difference in my family's life, and I find that the most natural ways of doing things are often the best for us.  I've been THAT mom for making it look easy while inwardly losing my mind, too.  That was just pride.

I've been THAT mom for unpraiseworthy reasons, too.  I've been the mom who screams in exasperation, who has thrown things, who lets her kid run around in diapers 'til he's 4 because I wasn't up for the fight (no regrets on that one!).  I've been the mom whose kid freaks out about every change in life. What could I expect when I was freaking out?  I've seen this message in people's eyes as my child throws yet another public tantrum, but I learned how to manage those with a calm that helped my child melt into my arms and know he was safe.  I've learned to tell myself that "those who mind don't really matter, and those who matter don't really mind". 

Today I was THAT mom for some wildly divergent reasons.  I've mentioned our school delay woes, and today was a delay for frigid temps. Seems to me that cold temperatures should be expected in winter, but I digress.  This morning A-man was in a 4-alarm temper fire and locked himself in the bathroom when it was nearly time to leave.  He and I have engaged one another as worthy and well-matched opponents in some serious battles of the will.  But NOT today.  I kept doing what I needed to do and left him there until the last minute.  Then I calmly unlocked the door, spoke gently, and prayed with him.  Revelatory!  I don't HAVE to fight him.  I can WIN by being peaceful and loving.  And in the end, he's sorry and asking my forgiveness, and I can pray with him because I haven't tossed my credibility out the window by losing my cool.  That's when we both lose, anyway. 

I was also THAT mom today when my toddler fell head-first out of a shopping cart today.  Yeah.  She can undo/shimmy out of the buckles with no trouble, so the upper basket is more of a concern for me because it's further to fall, and the momentum of fighting the seatbelt could launch her 23lb frame pretty far.  So I had her in the big basket section and was having to remind her frequently to sit down, and she was briefly obeying.  I was having trouble finding an important item, an item which is nowhere near as important as my precious daughter.  I'm grieving that I didn't do something different, but I watched her tumble out head first onto a hard tiled floor.  She screamed, she bled slightly from her mouth where her teeth punctured tender skin, and some random stranger YELLED AT ME.   I didn't even bother to respond.  I was THAT BAD MOM in that moment, and I knew it. 

I took her to Wheeling Hospital, pinching her awake along I-70.  She is absolutely fine and didn't need a CAT scan. Her momma is less fine but will certainly recover if I can get this picture out of my head someday.  I think all of us are THAT mom at some point.  We're all at our shining best and our shame-filled worst depending on circumstances, some of which we can never control. 

A good kind of quiet

The Jedis had no school today.  I figured they wouldn't because it rained yesterday, and then there was snow on top of it, and that seems to trigger cancellations here.  As I've said before, cancellations are easier than delays because it's hard to get enough cooperation and momentum going once everyone has started playing in the morning, and I have to get everyone out the door by myself since Dr. O' is already at work.  Then I have to go out 5 hours later and get them from the bus stop, often waking M-girl to get there on time.  Bleh, school. 

Today was wonderful, actually.  The kids didn't trash the house. There was no homework to slog through. They played peacefully and enjoyed each others' company.  I sorted coupons, finished laundry, and served multiple rounds of breakfast, snack, and lunch.  M-girl wants whatever someone else is eating, and we tend to rival the Hobbits in terms of meal frequency on days like this if I'm not keeping track.  I realized I was serving 3rd breakfast/elevenses before I had had my own breakfast, and I felt pretty sick from waiting too long and only having coffee in my stomach.  So I made a fantastic smoothie with fresh yogurt, peaches, raspberries, and flaxseed.  Yum!  M-girl wanted some of that, too, of course!  She's pretty fussy these days with lots of teeth all just about to emerge.  She wants me to hold her, and then she throws herself into awkward positions when I don't do what she wants.  Being a toddler, she's definitely in a demanding phase. 

Dr. O' is having a really long week as they do interviews for a moral theologian to join the dept.  Not that the current ones aren't moral; it's an academic specialization.  There are lots of meetings and observations and dinners involved, and he's gone a lot.  We're going to need that date night that his students have gifted us!  I'm taking in some nice Roasted Red Pepper and Sweet Potato Soup for Dr. O's dept for lunch tomorrow since there won't be any job candidates there then.  

So far, tomorrow is a 2-hour delay for frigid temperatures.  A-man is lobbying to stay home due to a sore throat that may or may not be legitimate.  We'll see in the morning with a flashlight.  I did have a play and pray group to go to in the morning, but there's illness going around in the hostess's home, so it's been cancelled.  I hope to do some weeding out of toys, etc. tomorrow.  I cooked some roast this afternoon that will be great for some Beef Vegetable Soup for dinner tomorrow night.  It was a good kind of quiet today, and hopefully it will be a good quiet tomorrow.  February will be over eventually, and I'm doing my best to enjoy it instead of endure it!

Post-Introspection Post

So I've been having a very introspective week with a lot on my mind but not a lot to say.  I-M has a lot of appointments these days to help us untangle a mess of symptoms.  I'm coming to terms with the likelihood of ADHD, although I'm unwilling to medicate him.  That would certainly explain the low working memory despite high intelligence.  Getting an official diagnosis would actually be helpful because it would get him an IEP, which would allow him to get occupational therapy for his motor skills for free at school.  He has started seeing a counselor who will give him behavioral strategies to continue to be successful at school.  That's not free, but neither are the drugs, and a little therapy isn't going to have ugly psychotropic side effects. 

This counselor has had children in the Jedis' school, and she feels that while it's a highly-rated public school, it often behaves like a selective private school, driving some families out.   Children with special needs are not especially welcome, it seems.  I was a little annoyed when the principal told me how few Spec. Ed. kids the school had when I first visited, like that was some kind of badge of honor.  Back then, I didn't think we needed those services, so I brushed it off.  Now I'm hearing that the teacher who I'm not really pleased with is one of the best there.  Not encouraging. 

Knowing the school as she does and having spent some time with I-M, the therapist thinks he and I are a good case for homeschooling.  I have to admit that my heart is drawn to it.  I could give him the enrichment he's not getting at school, the time to get to these appointments that will help his development, and the free time to play all that energy out.  We can only do so much of that in the time after school, and that's when the free time is most important.  We are meeting the homeschooling community here in Wheeling slowly, and such a support group would definitely be vital to our success.

Despite these questions and struggles, I am so very pleased to share that my firstborn I-M took his first Holy Communion yesterday.  There is nothing so joyful as watching him taking a sacrament with tremendous seriousness and with great appreciation of Jesus' sacrifice on his behalf.  He walked tall and proud during the entire event and said "This is the BEST DAY of my young life!"  It ranks up there for me too, kiddo!

And also with YOU!

Many of my friends know what difficulty I had with A-man from about 20 months to 4 years of age, and many have witnessed the changes in him.  He went from total mild sweetness and predictability to raging vitriolic fury beginning from the time I weaned him at 19 months.  He had been starting to speak fairly clearly, but his words disappeared and were replaced by screams and growls.  I was fearful for his soul, to be honest. 

The change came fairly quickly, but there were enough good days to feel like it was a passing toddler phase.  Eventually, however, we came to expect a tantrum during every outing, so we stopped going out, a habit that continues to this day.  We became accustomed to every event ending with a massive ugly blow-up over some really minor issue.  Often there was a fit just before we left the house, so we were worn out before we got in the car. 

Complicating this was a major depressive episode that engulfed my spirit and my energy and made me feel utterly worthless and so inadequate for the task of mothering these beautiful children.  I was an angry hormonal mess, and I regret the way I blew up at my small boys in those days.   I sought treatment and found that I could manage things much better.  Dr. O' was progressing toward oral exams, the half-way point of his Ph.D. when this began, so he was very busy.  We were hurting, and we were in a situation in which being a perfect family was important. There's a lot I wish I could change about those days. 

In the spring of 2008, I realized that his behavior was not getting better, and his 3rd birthday was approaching.  I had met with our pediatrician, but I was fearful to acknowledge how bad things were.  Later, he and his colleagues gave us a diagnosis (which I refused to accept, but now can agree with) and offered anti-anxiety and behavioral drugs, but I could not medicate him until all other options were exhausted.  I had an epiphany that might seem unusual. 

We were in family housing at Notre Dame, and if we were expecting a 3rd child, we could get a larger apartment where we could have a room for him during his tantrums.  At that point, he emptied shelves, closets, drawers, and bins during every screaming tantrum, and he just needed a place where the white hot fire of his rage would have no fuel.  An empty bedroom with only mattresses would be perfect for him to learn to turn off his anger and calm himself without hurting himself or breaking anything.  When he couldn't be in his room, I had restraint holds that would keep him and me safe and would force him to decide to calm down if he wanted to be free. 

The nine months of a pregnancy would give us a timeline to get his behavior on track, and a younger sibling could potentially help him to develop better empathy.  The amazing thing is that over the last 3 years, it has worked!  Within weeks, he went from multiple violent daily 45-minute tantrums to 5-minute fits in his new room a few times a week, followed by a gentle knock at the door and a tiny voice saying, "Momma, I'm sorry, and I'm ready to change my heart.  Can I come out now?".  We still had the anxiety about going places and the fits at church, but Paula Triezenberg at South Bend Christian Reformed Church won his heart over and opened him up to hear about spiritual things. 

M-girl was born in March 2009, and he instantly took to her.  He has always been very gentle with her, and he has loved hearing about how he was the baby and was nursed.  I learned that he needs 10 minutes of holding each day to reset his emotions, and I still do that regularly. 

The move to West Virginia has been hardest on A-man, who loved University Village with all his little heart.  He was often in a pack of small boys running all over the playground wearing capes and brandishing swords.  As a little leader among them, he has felt their loss keenly.  His behavior toward me has become more negative, but we have the words now to communicate frustration, and he can calm down when he wants to.

We fell in love with a small congregation here, and I immediately asked if I could do a children's program during the sermon.   We had not been in Lutheran worship for the last few years, so A-man didn't know how to make connections with the liturgy, nor was he accustomed to sitting still for an entire service.  The Children's Chapel has worked out really well, and A-man and I study the stories during the week so that he knows what to expect.  His behavior in church is steadily improving, and I feel so blessed to hear and see him participating in liturgical worship.  He belts out "Glory to God" from the back pew and shouts "And also with YOU!" a second late, but he's engaging with worship.  I missed something sweet this morning when I was helping in the kitchen: he joined our pastor at the doorway of the sanctuary for the benediction and raised his arms along with the pastor.  I am so blessed by the kindness of our fellow members who came to me and told me they think he'll be in ministry some day.

After church, I was feeding M-girl some pasta and grapes from the potluck, and someone passed her a cookie.  I told her that she would have to eat the pasta and grapes first, and she smiled and said "okay!".  She ate her pasta and grapes and called them "mmm, nummy!" over and over.  Then she enjoyed her cookie.  As a momma who fought with one child over everything, I have realized how conditioned I am to expect a fight.  I can adjust my expectations, but I'm going to hang onto the joy I feel in my heart when they listen and obey.

(too) calm before the (snow) storm

I have a feeling there will be a delay or cancellation of school tomorrow.  Wet roads and snowfall will almost certainly make for conditions that are too icy.  This alternation of frenzied days with everyone home followed by too-quiet days like today is messing with me.  I cleaned a lot yesterday, so my house is really quite clean with some clutter here and there, and now I'm bored.  THIS is why I wanted to take a class, but the school & winter weather issue is why I can't.  Also I have a lot of stuff to figure out for I-M and a lot of appointments to take him to that would surely interfere with taking a class.  But on days like today, I'm bored.  M-girl wants my attention only when I'm engaged in something else, so even reading a book is difficult. 

My friend Peggy from church was so helpful yesterday in taking A-man during I-M's appointment!  He played trains and then fell asleep on her couch.  I also talked to the mom of one of A-man's classmates about doing some childcare swapping. I could take her child when there's a delay or cancellation, and she could take A-man if I-M has an appointment.  She couldn't take him yesterday because she was working from home with her boys, but she's interested in playdates and coffee.  : )  I met her in the early fall, and she seems really nice. 

The allergist's has a very busy office, and things were chaotic enough with M-girl not having a nap and sprinking Cheerios everywhere we went and yelling at the top of her lungs for a "LOLLY!!!".  The tests showed that I-M is allergic to dust mites, cats, many local weeds, many trees, and a few things spelled out only in initials that I can't decipher.  He's on Xyzal, which is similar to Zyrtec and is ridiculously expensive, even with insurance.  He woke up without shadows under his eyes, so maybe I need some! He really was quite brave, and I was impressed with how the testing procedure has improved since I did it as a kid.  All the scratching gets done at once, so it's much easier to keep the child calm.  Hooray for calm!

Plans? Never heard of 'em!

I have lost my ability to make and keep plans for things since our move .  I had a summer of no plans to speak of, and it was wonderful!  Once school started, we were inundated with lots of meaningless deadlines, so I think I got numbed to them.  There were just too many, and each organizer felt that theirs was crucially important.  Now I'm trying to re-train my brain to put plans on my Google calendar, where I have Dr. O's imported calendar and the PTA imported calendar.  I can put my appointments and events and bill reminders straight into my Google calendar from my gmail, which has helped a lot.  I get a reminder email every morning, and it makes me feel much more competent.  The downside is that I do miss putting things in now and then when I make an appointment in an office or if I forget to put down an appointment that I make over the phone, but I'm steadily improving.  An example of success is that I remembered that A-man had Show-and-Tell today, an event that I have a history of forgetting (or dismissing!).

Days like today mess with my burgeoning system as well.  There's yet another 2-hour delay, we're way off schedule.  The MOPS meeting scheduled for today has been canceled because it affects so many of the mommas.  Monday is Dr. King Day, and I'm looking forward to a scheduled day off with my Jedis.  Hopefully, we'll have plenty of snow on the hill for the Jedis to sled.  I'll make sure we have plenty of milk for cocoa! Tuesday I have a meeting at school for I-M and an appointment to test him for allergies.  Wednesday, I figure he'll be home sick after that assault on his immune system.  How do you schedule for days like this when the rest of the world doesn't have 2-hour delays?

On potty training and parenting advice....

A happy unscheduled event is that M-girl has decided to give the potty a try.  She may change her mind. She's 22 months, which is less than 1/2 the age A-man was when he did this.  I haven't pushed, just watched to made sure she doesn't pee on the wood floors or the carpet.  She's ready and interested, and she likes to be without her diapers, for sure! 

I couldn't give advice on how to potty train for my life, nor can I take credit for potty training.  I always want to stick my tongue out at those who purport to be experts because they had the kid who trained himself at 15 months.  No one cares.  It just makes insecure moms feel like bad parents.  What I can say is that, like all parenting advice, it's not one-size-fits-all.  Anyone who tries to offer this kind of advice is trying to make others feel inadequate or trying to sell something.  They will do it when they're ready.  It's not worth destroying your relationship with your kid (or your carpet, or your sanity) to have them wearing undies. 

After we started a family, we moved to place where parenting advice was rumored to keep the electricity on, much like kids' screams did in Monster's Inc.  There, competitive parenting was an Olympic sport.  I grew a thick skin early on and decided that some of these parents were lunatics. (No, don't worry. Not you.  Someone who would never read this blog!).  Okay, that sounds judgmental, but that was also an Olympic sport there.  There was this divergence of big picture vs. micromanagement parenting, attachment vs. Babywise (I'll confess that I can't stand when they get all smug, so give me a point for judgment!  I've also seen them when they can't do anything for fear of throwing off the schedule), etc.

I eventually worked in leadership there and would get parenting questions.  My thought was always "Have you MET my kids?!?".  I had some extremely difficult years with A-man's behavior and I-M's encopresis issues (look it up if you want to, but it's gross. I'm just saying.).  People who asked me parenting questions HAD met my kids, and maybe they wondered how I could be a happy mom. I don't know, either.  Anything I got right was thanks to prayer from those who saw me struggling and to an extra measure of patience that God gave me when I most needed it.  My sole unsolicited advice on parenting is this: It's not about your ego, parent.  It's about growing good people and still having a relationship when them when they're grown.  In my case, I hope that I raise faithful hearts for God and that I can worship Him alongside them when they're grown.  Won't happen unless my relationship with God and my relationships with them remain intact.

Long post.  Enough about bad parenting advice.  Now I'm soliciting your GOOD parenting advice.  What's the best parenting advice you have ever been given?

On video games and LEGOs

I have been somewhat resistant to get my boys into video games, fearing the lack of exercise and lack of socialization that playing these games can lead to.  However, I am really pleased with the Wii that we got from my brother as a second-hand Christmas gift for the boys.  We bought the LEGO Star Wars ($20!) game that lets them play through all 6 movies, unlocking characters and scenes as they go.  Dr. O' has to jump in and play to get them through some of the challenges, but it's a good activity for him to do with them.  I do cringe a bit at the on-screen (very mild LEGO-on-LEGO) violence, but it seems to be a good outlet for boy energy to engage in protective and chivalrous battle for good.  I love that the boys have to communicate, to cooperate, and to move their bodies in order to play this game.  I-M takes the lead, reading for A-man and telling him where they're going to go.  It helps I-M's working memory to recall the next step and helps his problem-solving skills as they navigate the terrain.  Unfortunately, they saved a game yesterday back at the beginning, locking up 8 of the 10 characters that Dr. O' had unlocked for them.  We're going to start saving our progress on an SD card when we get to a new level. 

As for my socialization fears, I think it's good for boys to play these games in moderation so that they have an "in" with other boys and can play video games together or can play the story of the game outdoors.  They watch almost no TV and play these games less than they had previously spent watching TV.  After a stimulating time playing Star Wars, they want to go upstairs and build with LEGOs.  My kids have never been bound by the constraints of Star Wars canon, so they have made up their own Star Wars myth that they enjoy playing indoors and outdoors with lightsabers and in their room with LEGOs.  A-man reminds me every day that they don't have Darth Vader or Yoda.  I know, little man.  He's a tremendously thankful and contented kid, but he does see a gaping hole in the LEGO collection.  We have Anakin, multiple Lukes, Obiwans, and C-3PO's, but no Vader or Yoda.  In due time, kiddo.

{Edited somewhat for clarity. I read so much bad writing that I fear it works its way into mine!}